I am
by Tequila Sunrise
Summary: heero's thoughts on the pilots, directed to an anonamous person


I am... AN introspective GW piece on one Heero Yuy.  
  
I am not emotionless. I've never understood why I've been construed as such. I live by  
what I told Trowa. "Go with your emotions. It's the only way to live."   
Why do you think I didn't kill Relena? Believe me... it would have been a relief to a lot of  
people if I had just let that rubble smash her. Believe me or not, I wanted to kill Relena as often as  
I thought I wanted to kiss her. Contrary to popular belief, my only mission was to destroy OZ.   
She was no part of it. She was a pacifist. An annoying, snot nosed, arrogant pacifist... But a  
pacifist none the less.  
When I landed on that beach, and she found me, I was scared. I've never denied it. I had  
never been to earth, and didn't know who she was. I didn't want her hurt, though. Her eyes were  
awfully kind. Kind of like Adan's... But her's were more innocent. She took what I said, that I  
would kill her, the wrong way. Or... hell. Maybe *I* did. At first, I really was going to kill her.   
She DID jeopardize the mission. She drew attention to me. But then it became clear: her  
association with me would kill her, which is as good as pulling the trigger myself.   
But... On to other matters. I'll come back to her... I always have. You might ask about  
the other pilots? I didn't consider them my comrades. I didn't. Still don't. They were, however, my  
friends. We had the same end, but different means in mind. I guess it's good that we all worked  
together once in a while. I mean, we couldn't really have Quatre going around saying, "Please...   
drop your weapons! Please?" without Duo to stand up behind him and tell them he was sending  
them to hell, complements of Shinigami.  
I saw that eyebrow quirk. Duo, right? Let's set one thing straight about Duo. He is. Ok,  
maybe the kid's got some screws loose, thinking he's the God of Death and all... but really. He's  
straight as a pin. Ask Hilde... Or Relena. That still makes me mad. I can't believe he was with  
Relena! ... Anyway. Back to Duo. Sorry again. He's not quite the idiot half the fan world makes  
him out to be. He's great with Deathscythe Hell. Incredible, even. He's quick as a cat, and as  
resourceful as one, too. From what he's told me, he had to be. Growing up on the streets couldn't  
have been easy for him. Duo wears as many masks as the rest of us. Maybe more. He never told  
me what he did to survive on the streets. But this shadow of pain crosses his eyes, before he blanks  
them.   
He's funny, too. First pilot to ever get a shot on me. I have a scar from his pistol that day  
on the docks with Relena. He's also the first to dangle my laptop out the window to get me to  
agree to see a movie. Baka. All he had to do was ask. Directly. Not sniffle around the issue. I'm  
fond of him. He respects no silence. Not even his own. But at the same time, he buries secrets  
within his heart that no one but Hilde could unearth.   
Another pilot who's a bit on the strange side is Wufei. But not really once you hear the  
entire story. He was raised in a proud Chinese colony, in a clan with a culture that went back eight  
hundred years. He married, dutifully, to Merian. She was a strong woman. Joined the resistance  
without letting Wufei know. When he did hear, he was angry. But he got over it, and respected  
her inner resolve, but also her dedication to keeping outer appearances and traditions intact. He  
and Merian wed to young to contemplate a family. He finished his training and was sent, as a  
mission of honor and justice to the Chang Clan, to be a Gundam pilot. He hated all of us. He  
wanted to be with his Merian. The colony self-detonated, to prevent Wufei from having  
weaknesses. No woman he's met has quite matched Merian for strength of heart or character in his  
eyes. Except maybe... Maybe Sally Po. Ever seen a catfight? I get to see one every time he calls  
her weak. Injustice, he snorts. Sally proceeds to attempt to stuff his 'injustice' up his... nose,  
literally.   
Stop it with the eyebrow. I know you're going to ask about Trowa and Quatre. The only  
people who know anything are those two. I'll say this much. Catherine is NOT Trowa's sister.   
That much is certain. Truth be told, I don't think he and Quatre are lovers. In fact, if I had to bet,  
I'd put my money on Trowa and Catherine. When I was down that month after I self-detonated, I  
learned a lot about Trowa. He was raised by mercenaries. Not raised, but used, by mercenaries.   
They beat him, at the very least, raped him at most. No one will know if Trowa doesn't tell. And  
he doesn't. He wants no man's pity. He enjoys his masks, but Catherine is peeling them off slowly.   
So slowly he won't realize they're gone till she's stripped him of the last one. We all know Trowa's  
real name is not Trowa. What you may not know is that his true name is Cale Reese. And he's  
French. Trowa is the name he prefers, though. He feels that name has more ties than Cale ever  
will. Trowa is intuitive and kind. I give him props for telling Wufei to be kind to Relena when she  
boarded. Yeah.. I heard about that.   
Quatre? Quatre... Within the group, he is the baby. I say that in the sense that we all  
look out for him carefully, even if he DOES have a corps of Manganacs to do it for us. He's not  
innocent, angelic as his looks are. He's ruthless in business, as well he should be. Fiercely  
protective of his sisters. He is loyal. Except when he's on the Zero system. I've never held that  
against him. Quatre has very little black or white in his life, and many varying shades of grey, so it  
serves that while under Zero's influence, he would become unstable. He had a good life from what  
he's told us. Except that he always reached for his father's approval and never received it. I think  
that scarred him more deeply that he lets us see.   
Quatre has few romantic ties, but many friends. I'm not sure if he's gay or not, but if he is,  
he's still our friend.   
But... back to Relena. Didn't I say I'd always go back to her? I'm not sure, but I think I'm  
in love with her. She was the last thing on my mind when I blew Libra away. She was the ONLY  
thing keeping me from killing Zechs. I know he's still alive. Just being stubborn. He and Noin are  
perfect for each other. It's almost an obsession to watch Relena, keep her safe. I don't... I don't  
know how worthy of her I am. But I can't say that I'm being noble, and actually caring about that  
either. I watched her stand on the balcony last night. She was holding the teddy bear I gave her,  
and was talking to it. She told it that she loved me. And, I had to laugh. She then tried to choke  
the stuffing out of the teddy, muttering about my neck and how frustrated she was. So... I think  
I'll end this session now, because I have a lot of soul searching to do. And maybe a ring to buy.   
And Duo's eye to blacken for kissing Relena before me... Just to settle the score.   
  
Fin!  
  
What'da y'all think? Like, despise? I have no idea where this came from.. DEEP left  
field, if ya know what I mean? This was written in an hour. I was almost possessed! lol! It just  
seemed to me that during episodes 25-28, Heero's really not as sub-human as he's made out to be.   
Oh, the characters aren't mine... yada da.. no $$$ coming my way... totally broke. :)  
Your...  
Desert Rose 


End file.
